Sunday, September 5, 2010

Zombies Vs. Unicorns

Folks, before this blog goes on any further I feel that I must make myself very clear on a serious and controversial issue that has been sweeping the interwebs. Are you Team Zombie or Team Unicorn?

In short: I am TEAM UNICORN.

Adding to their awesome? Rainbows and glittery little stars, people.
Well, at least, maybe. I'm going to admit I am slightly baffled by what we are supporting with this debate. Are we discussing the merits of the aforementioned creatures? Their ability to dismember you or me in a fight? Their ability to dismember each other? Which one we would prefer as a dinner guest? As a next-door neighbor? Which brand of apocalypse we'd prefer?

I'm not entirely sure, so I will address each of these concerns individually so you can understand why unicorns are the superior choice over zombies* in every instance.

Individual Merits of the Species:

A disgusting, rotting zombie.
Zombies are gross. They are shuffling, shambling, decomposing bodies that eat brains. Unicorns are beautiful, glistening, magical specimens of horsehood that have GIANT GOLDEN HORNS sticking out of their heads. Also, they have magic and stuff.

Ability to dismember you/me in a fight:

Should we be Team The-thing-that-can-eat-us-all or Team The-thing-that-won't-hurt-us? You decide. Either way, unicorns pwn, because let's face it. Zombies are slow and dumb. You can run away from them. You can outsmart them. You can cut them in two with a chainsaw. Ah, you might say, but you could cut a unicorn in two with a chainsaw! Let me say this in response, friend--I'd like to see you try.

Now unicorns, according to some interpretations, are gentle, docile creatures. According to other mythologies, they are fierce, vicious killing machines. Either way, if you're looking for a beast that is equipped to pose the greatest threat to your continued existence, look no further than the unicorn. From the tip of its wicked golden horn to the edges of its razor-sharp hooves, the unicorn is equipped to do serious slaughter to anybody who crosses it.
A unicorn prepares to dismember this disgusting zombie.

To sum up: unicorns kick serious butt. But I'd like to think that their benevolent natures keep them in check. So either way, unicorns win again.

Zombie's/Unicorn's ability to dismember each other in a fight:

Like I said before, zombies are slow and dumb (see my note about "real" zombies at the bottom) These slobbering, lurching monsters would be skewered by the unicorns before you could say "braaiiiiiinnnnnsss."  Also, did I mention unicorns have MAGIC?

As a dinner guest:

Come on. You're making this too easy. With zombies--you ARE the dinner. With unicorns--if you're lucky, they'll even take care of the weeds at the edge of the driveway.

As a neighbor:

Zombies would make terrible neighbors. They would try to eat you, for one thing. That would put a serious damper on those summer block parties. Also zombies are probably awful with upkeep. Imagine how the property values will plummet when they leave bits and pieces of sweet old Miss Beckinstock lying by their mailbox.

Unicorns, on the other hand, would enhance the neighborhood. They'd probably attract rainbows and kittens. Even if they were evil, vicious unicorns, they'd probably at least keep their lawn a decent length.
An evil unicorn is still breathtaking.

Which sort of apocalypse?

Well, let's see. In a zombie apocalypse, humanity as we know it ceases to exist or moves underground in bunkers, armed with chainsaws. In the uniclypse, as I'd like to call it, rainbows, ice cream cake, and puppies are showered across the globe. Even if you're subscribing to the evil unicorn theory (EUT), at least you have decent opponents running around in all their muscular, obsidian-black glory.

So there you have it. My defense of Team Unicorn.

Now, if your purpose in delineating teams is to defend your position on which mythical creature would make a better subject of a dystopian/horror novel, I give you one word:

Zombicorns want your braiiiins too. But they are still magnificent.

What's your team, and why?


* I am going with the Romero or real zombies over any special "fast" zombies, because hey, you can't just go adding crap to your mythology.**  E.g., bam, unicorns can fly. See how infuriating that is?? :-)

**Not unless you're me defending team unicorn.


  1. I am in complete agreement. And if I hadn't been, I would've been convinced by your thorough argument. Team Unicorn!

  2. Since it makes you happy, I will go with Team Unicorn as well. I like unicorns.

  3. oh my goodness! this is the most brilliant post i've read in SO long!!! :) i had to cover my mouth with both hands to keep from laughing so loud i'd wake up the kiddos!
    previous to this i would have probably chosen team zombie. but the arguments were so good, and now that i feel more educated about the merits of each, i must choose....
    (never thought i'd say that) :P

  4. definitely team unicorn. and i must say those pictures are amazing:)

  5. @aspiring_x *blushes* glad you liked it! and yeah for team unicorn!!

    @Nikki of course. we weren't unicorns of balinor enthusiasts as kids for nothing. and the pictures ... what can I say? I am an undiscovered artistic genius, clearly.

  6. Team Zombie.

    Zombie Unicorns count as Zombies.

    All it takes is one Zombie biting an Unicorn and it's all over for the Unicorns... and humanity.

  7. @Weathered Technically you are team unicorn with me by default :-D

    But I'll address your points anyway:

    1) Zombicorns are not included in the team zombie for the purposes of this debate. These zombies = undead humans of the standard, classic "Romero zombies" as stated above. Team Zombie does not include zombicorns. So a zombified unicorn does not count in terms of this debate.

    2) Since you claim that if a unicorn became infected, it would be all over for everyone, you are admitting that unicorns are more awesome. All the more reason to be Team Unicorn.

    3) No unicorn would be so stupid as to become infected. If they were bitten, they'd probably either be dismembered on the spot by their fellow unicorns, or throw themselves into a fir. Unicorns, as you must know, have an impeccable sense of duty.*

    *this is a fact

  8. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

    Until the Zombies get you.

    Then I'll get to say "I told you so."

    However it may come out as "Braaaaaaaaains."

  9. After which my unicorn will promptly zap you with magic! :-P

  10. Unicorns are good...

  11. *LMAO* Clever : D Love the artwork, too! Me. Team-unicorn, for sure.

  12. Unicorns all the way!! I grew up with these badboys. The only reason I need is they have a freakin' spear on their heads, are immortal with healing powers, and kick (literally) serious butt when reckoned with.

    And of course, the MAGIC!

    This post was hilarious by the way! :D

  13. Bwa haha! I followed a link on Emily White's blog and landed on this delicious post! I am most definitely following you now :D

  14. I read this book this book last year, and you have no idea how happy I am right now to prove once and for all that Unicorns have and always will surpass the vile creatures called zombies.


Have something to say? Leave a comment!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...