Zombies Vs. Unicorns

Folks, before this blog goes on any further I feel that I must make myself very clear on a serious and controversial issue that has been sweeping the interwebs. Are you Team Zombie or Team Unicorn?

In short: I am TEAM UNICORN.

Adding to their awesome? Rainbows and glittery little stars, people.

Well, at least, maybe. I'm going to admit I am slightly baffled by what we are supporting with this debate. Are we discussing the merits of the aforementioned creatures? Their ability to dismember you or me in a fight? Their ability to dismember each other? Which one we would prefer as a dinner guest? As a next-door neighbor? Which brand of apocalypse we'd prefer?

I'm not entirely sure, so I will address each of these concerns individually so you can understand why unicorns are the superior choice over zombies* in every instance.

Individual Merits of the Species:

A disgusting, rotting zombie.

Zombies are gross. They are shuffling, shambling, decomposing bodies that eat brains. Unicorns are beautiful, glistening, magical specimens of horsehood that have GIANT GOLDEN HORNS sticking out of their heads. Also, they have magic and stuff.


Ability to dismember you/me in a fight:

Should we be Team The-thing-that-can-eat-us-all or Team The-thing-that-won't-hurt-us? You decide. Either way, unicorns pwn, because let's face it. Zombies are slow and dumb. You can run away from them. You can outsmart them. You can cut them in two with a chainsaw. Ah, you might say, but you could cut a unicorn in two with a chainsaw! Let me say this in response, friend--I'd like to see you try.

Now unicorns, according to some interpretations, are gentle, docile creatures. According to other mythologies, they are fierce, vicious killing machines. Either way, if you're looking for a beast that is equipped to pose the greatest threat to your continued existence, look no further than the unicorn. From the tip of its wicked golden horn to the edges of its razor-sharp hooves, the unicorn is equipped to do serious slaughter to anybody who crosses it.

A unicorn prepares to dismember this disgusting zombie.

To sum up: unicorns kick serious butt. But I'd like to think that their benevolent natures keep them in check. So either way, unicorns win again.

Zombie's/Unicorn's ability to dismember each other in a fight:

Like I said before, zombies are slow and dumb (see my note about "real" zombies at the bottom) These slobbering, lurching monsters would be skewered by the unicorns before you could say "braaiiiiiinnnnnsss."  Also, did I mention unicorns have MAGIC?

MAGIC!

As a dinner guest:

Come on. You're making this too easy. With zombies--you ARE the dinner. With unicorns--if you're lucky, they'll even take care of the weeds at the edge of the driveway.

As a neighbor:

Zombies would make terrible neighbors. They would try to eat you, for one thing. That would put a serious damper on those summer block parties. Also zombies are probably awful with upkeep. Imagine how the property values will plummet when they leave bits and pieces of sweet old Miss Beckinstock lying by their mailbox.

Unicorns, on the other hand, would enhance the neighborhood. They'd probably attract rainbows and kittens. Even if they were evil, vicious unicorns, they'd probably at least keep their lawn a decent length.

An evil unicorn is still breathtaking.

Which sort of apocalypse?

Well, let's see. In a zombie apocalypse, humanity as we know it ceases to exist or moves underground in bunkers, armed with chainsaws. In the uniclypse, as I'd like to call it, rainbows, ice cream cake, and puppies are showered across the globe. Even if you're subscribing to the evil unicorn theory (EUT), at least you have decent opponents running around in all their muscular, obsidian-black glory.

So there you have it. My defense of Team Unicorn.

Now, if your purpose in delineating teams is to defend your position on which mythical creature would make a better subject of a dystopian/horror novel, I give you one word:

Zombicorns want your braiiiins too. But they are still magnificent.

Zombicorns.



What's your team, and why?

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* I am going with the Romero or real zombies over any special "fast" zombies, because hey, you can't just go adding crap to your mythology.**  E.g., bam, unicorns can fly. See how infuriating that is?? :-)

**Not unless you're me defending team unicorn.