Bad Query

Please don't ever do this.

I wrote this (intentionally!) terrible query for a contest a few months ago, and it still makes me chuckle. Let me stress that this is an example of what not to do!

How many no-nos can you spot?

THE QUERY:

Dear Sir/Madam:

Greetings, agent! I have written a fiction novel, EAT, PRAY, VAMPIRES, FAIRIES. This 1,233 page, teen MG contemporary/fantasy/cozy mystery /thriller has many morality lessons for today’s youngsters. There are so many horrible books out there right now I can hardly believe the trash that is being published. In fact, you’ve represented so many terrible books lately that I thought I would give you something good to represent. No need to thank me! I’m sure the millions of dollars in revenue that my book will undoubtedly generate will be thanks enough for us both. 

Have you ever wondered what it would be like have a dad who hated you because you looked just like your mom, who he also hates, and hasn’t seen in nearly sixteen years, therefore making you a constant and painful reminder of his past mistakes? Meet Raevynn McKaliesteryn, the gorgeous, black-haired, blue-eyed daughter of Jakkob McKaliesteryn and this girl he met at a party named Jaymiee. So Raevynn lives in Louisiana with her dad Jakkob, her brothers Jonathyn, Prestyn, and Roman, and sisters Ashlyee, Luceigh, and Aimyee, and her Aunt Katherynne.

Anyway, Raevynn meets a handsome boy in her gym class, Riyan, who has a mysterious secret. Riyan runs fast and he is always staring at her. Raevynn cannot help but be mesmerized. But then Greggory, who I forgot to introduce earlier, he’s her vengeful ex-boyfriend who’s secretly a fairy prince, kidnaps her. Chaos ensues.

I think my literary genius will appeal mainly to fans of Twilight, The DaVinci Code, No Country for Old Men, and The Secret.

I wrote this book because my friends dared me. My mother, sister, and neighbor’s six-year-old daughter all loved this book and said it would undoubtedly be a bestseller.

I sent you the entire book as an attachment so you can read it right away. I had a virus on my computer, but don’t worry, I downloaded some stuff from a popup and I think that’s taken care of it. I am also planning to call and stop by your agency tomorrow just to make sure you got this email.

I’ve attached a picture of myself wearing a “dominatrix vampire” costume so you can see what I look like, and I am also fed-exing you a mug that says “World’s Best Agent” as a small enticement. Please excuse the name on the handle of the mug—I was planning on sending it to another agent, but the idiot rejected my book last week. I hope you’ll like it anyway since you like coffee. At least I think you do, because you go to Starbucks every morning and I saw you drinking coffee in your living room last week.

PS I feel I should let you know that I’m just looking for a “starter agent,” and I will probably find a better agent who represents lots of blockbusters once EAT, PRAY, VAMPIRES, FAIRIES becomes a runaway bestseller.

Anxiously waiting to hear from you ASAP!

XOXO,

~ ** ~Katie~ ** ~


Dear readers, don't do ANY of these things. Just say no.